I've always had a hard time accepting my body.
I grew up in a very difficult situation, and I remember my mom body-shaming other people when I was very young. This, coupled with the images of ideal body types pushed onto my generation, led to me scrutinizing my body because I didn't have the boobs, a flat tummy, or long legs.
I'm 5'3" and never had a flat tummy. I've always had digestive issues, so bloating was a part of daily life. It was hard to watch my friends and peers become beautiful young ladies while I was continually shamed and didn't receive the right kind of support to develop any self-confidence.
There was a very brief period of my life where I was incredibly thin, but it came with a lot of other health problems and yes...skinny shaming lol.
I thought showing more skin would lead to more confidence because I looked the part and could show my body to the world that carried the seal of approval. I had no idea that any validation I received was a shallow compliment for "fitting in" and a complete dismissal of the fact that I was actually crying for help. When the bones in your back really show, and you're barely eating, but people are telling you that you look great...there's a problem.
Now I'm much heavier and dealing with hormonal problems that caused weight gain. I've received shame from this too, and to be honest, this is one of the hardest times when dealing with my body. Without going into detail, I have seen several doctors, done natural treatments, and everything else under the sun.
OK, so how does this connect to wrapping my hair?
When I look in the mirror before I wrap, I see me. I see the person who has survived 100% of my worst days and has a healthy path moving forward. I recognize the prior lives I've lived as expressions of a pain body that didn't know how to survive, and I recognize my current body as the embodiment of past situations lived.
In those past situations, there was no G-d. There was no concept of Hashem because I really felt I was left out of his club. The truth is I was always invited in, but I never looked at his guidebook to see how I could fit in.
In that guidebook were beliefs about hair covering, something I always liked because I wore bandanas and hats, but never embraced as a spiritual practice. The moment I changed my thoughts on it from a fashion accessory to a practice of modesty, everything changed. The bandanas I wore to look cute in, turned into tichels to preserve my body. The hats to match the outfits turned into scarves to match my practice. I traded showing skin for approval for keeping skin hidden because it no longer needs outside approval. The outward beliefs of "look at me" turned into inward beliefs of "I am me."
Covering my hair reminds me that I married the love of my life and my body is protected in that marriage; therefore, I will protect it from the world. My body is for me and my husband, and that includes my hair because it's a sign of beauty that I preserve in my marriage.
This means I no longer look to the world for approval. I don't need to be a certain body type; I don't need to have a flat tummy; I don't need to have long legs. I need to be the best version of myself that keeps growing into better versions of myself, and that's more than enough.
And you know what? It feels really good to follow the guidebook. B'H.
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