I did not have positive Jewish figures growing up.
Looking back, I really wish I did.
There is nothing I can do about the past, and I have come to a place of acceptance, forgiveness, and boundaries.
But looking back, I really wish I had better Jewish role models.
I had a very confusing Jewish upbringing. We were Jewish, but didn't practice. One family member had horrible things to say about Judaism, and one wished I were more involved. We didn't read the weekly Parsha or keep kosher, which made things really confusing for my Jewish identity.
My love and appreciation for Jewish women in the home came years later when I saw and experienced how a Jewish woman can make her house a home. Her neshima has a calling to take care of her family, her house, and to be the one to provide the love and support for her husband to thrive.
I didn't see this growing up, and I definitely didn't have it in my past relationships. I saw this, felt this, experienced this, loved this, and wanted this after opening closed doors in my mind that I shut because I felt they were oppressive.
They are anything but, and I realize that now.
Marriage is everyday work with yourself, your partner, and the marriage to make sure things are going well. It's not work in the 9-5 paycheck type of thing. It's work in the "I am committed to making sure you and I are the best we can possibly be for each other and our relationship" type of work.
It's the type of work I never saw with my parents. I never saw it in the relationships I was in and the relationships I watched. I only saw it after realizing the heart and the value of her love into the home is one of the best ways to hold a marriage sacred and protect its value.
This is where modesty comes in for me: covering myself so my marriage has more. I made a commitment to the love of my life, which means the world doesn't need to see my cleavage, my legs, my curves, or my hair. I am not trying to look good for anyone else. Instead, I am respecting what I committed to: being with the love of my life and letting only him have certain access to me.
I was never taught this growing up and made several mistakes along the way. But I am much happier being a Jewish woman who keeps a home, and I am happy knowing I broke a generational cycle of women in bad marriages.
Now I am the positive Jewish role model I wished I had. Even though I can't have kids, I can show up for my past self with some challah, a cup of tea, and tell her, "Let's talk."
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